"family" in the Big Book

He uses his gifts to build up a bright outlook for his family and himself, and then pulls the structure down on his head by a senseless series of sprees.

This man has a charming wife and family.

His family was re-assembled, and he began to work as a salesman for the business he had lost through drinking.

Moreover, he would lose his family for whom he had a deep affection.

Here was the threat of commitment, the loss of family and position, to say nothing of that intense mental and physical suffering which drinking always caused him.

Business failure, insanity, fatal illness, suicide— these calamities in his immediate family embittered and depressed him.

It may be one of our own family, but we cannot disclose anything to our wives or our parents which will hurt them and make them unhappy.

It would have been impressive heroics if he had walked up to the Judge and said, “Here I am.’’ We thought he ought to be willing to do that if necessary, but if he were in jail he could provide nothing for either family.

If he opened that old affair, he was afraid it would destroy the reputation of his partner, disgrace his family and take away his means of livelihood.

We ought to sit down with the family and frankly analyze the past as we now see it, being very careful not to criticize them.

So we clean house with the family, asking each morning in meditation that our Creator show us the way of patience, tolerance, kindliness and love.

Unless one’s family expresses a desire to live upon spiritual principles we think we ought not to urge them.

This advice is given for his family also.

The family may object to this, but unless he is in a dangerous physical condition, it is better to risk it.

Don’t deal with him when he is very drunk, unless he is ugly and the family needs your help.

Then let his family or a friend ask him if he wants to quit for good and if he would go to any extreme to do so.

Neither should the family hysterically plead with him to do anything, nor should they tell him much about you.

The family must decide these

Usually the family should not try to tell your story.

When possible, avoid meeting a man through his family.

Though you have talked with the family, leave them out of the first discussion.

He will feel he can deal with you without being nagged by his family.

But you should not deprive your family or creditors of money they should have.

Be certain he will be welcomed by your family, and that he is not trying to impose upon you for money, connections, or shelter.

It is not good for him, and it sometimes creates serious complications in a family.

Though an alcoholic does not respond, there is no reason why you should neglect his family.

The family should be offered your way of life.

Should they accept and practice spiritual principles, there is a much better chance that the head of the family will recover.

And even though he continues to drink, the family will find life more bearable.

When your prospect has made such reparation as he can to his family, and has thoroughly explained to them the new principles by which he is living, he should proceed to put those principles into action at home.

Though his family be at fault in many respects, he should not be concerned about that.

If persisted in for a few months, the effect on a man’s family is sure to be great.

Little by little the family may see their own defects and admit them.

After they have seen tangible results, the family will perhaps want to go along.

Let no alcoholic say he cannot recover unless he has his family back.

We have seen others slip when the family came back too soon.

When working with a man and his family, you should take care not to participate in their quarrels.

But urge upon a man’s family that he has been a very sick person and should be treated accordingly.

If you have been successful in solving your own domestic problems, tell the newcomer’s family how that was accomplished.

We feel that each family, in the light of their own circumstances, ought to decide for themselves.

In some cases it may be better to let someone outside the family present the book.

These family dissensions are very dangerous, especially to your husband.

After all, your family is reunited, alcohol is no longer a problem and you and your husband are working together toward an undreamed-of future.

* The fellowship of Al-Anon Family Groups was formed about thirteen years after this chapter was written.

If there is no Al-Anon listing in your local telephone book, you may obtain further information on Al-Anon/Alateen Family Groups by writing to its World Service Office, 1600 Corporate Landing Parkway, Virginia Beach, VA 23454-5617.

All members of the family should meet upon the common ground of tolerance, understanding and love.

The alcoholic, his wife, his children, his “in-laws,” each one is likely to have fixed ideas about the family’s attitude towards himself or herself.

We find the more one member of the family demands that the others concede to him, the more resentful they become.

Is not each trying to arrange the family show to his liking?

Is he not unconsciously trying to see what he can take from the family life rather than give?

The entire family is, to some extent, ill.”

Suppose we tell you some of the obstacles a family will meet; suppose we suggest how they may be avoided—even converted to good use for others.

The family of an alcoholic longs for the return of happiness and security.

Today’s life is measured against that of other years and, when it falls short, the family may be unhappy.

Family confidence in dad is rising high.

But the wise family will admire him for what he is trying to be, rather than for what he is trying to get.

Now and then the family will be plagued by spectres from the past, for the drinking career of almost every alcoholic has been marked by escapades, funny, humiliating, shameful or tragic.

The family may be possessed by the idea

The alcoholic’s past thus becomes the principal asset of the family and frequently it is almost the only one!

We think each family which has been relieved owes something to those who have not, and when the occasion requires, each member of it should be only too willing to bring former mistakes, no matter how grievous, out of their hiding places.

Members of a family should watch such matters carefully, for one careless, inconsiderate remark has been known to raise the very devil.

In either case certain family problems will arise.

The family will be affected also, pleasantly at first, as they feel their money troubles are about to be solved, then not so pleasantly as they find themselves neglected.

If not irritable, he may seem dull and boring, not gay and affectionate as the family would like him to be.

The family is mystified.

Both father and the family are mistaken, though each side may have some justification.

The family must realize that dad, though marvelously improved, is still convalescing.

As each member of a resentful family begins to see his shortcomings and admits them to the others, he lays a basis for helpful discussion.

These family talks will be constructive if they can be carried on without heated argument, self-pity, self-justification or resentful criticism.

As soon as his sobriety begins to be taken as a matter of course, the family may look at their strange new dad with apprehension, then with irritation.

He may demand that the family find God in a hurry, or exhibit amazing indifference to them and say he is above worldly considerations.

When father takes this tack, the family may react unfavorably.

If he means to right his past wrongs, why all this concern for everyone in the world but his family?

If the family cooperates, dad will soon see that he is suffering from a distortion of values.

He will perceive that his spiritual growth is lopsided, that for an average man like himself, a spiritual life which does not include his family obligations may not be so perfect after all.

If the family will appreciate that dad’s current behavior is but a phase of his development, all will be well.

In the midst of an understanding and sympathetic family, these vagaries of dad’s spiritual infancy will quickly disappear.

The opposite may happen should the family condemn and criticize.

If the family persists in criticism, this fallacy may take a still greater hold on father.

Instead of treating the family as he should, he may retreat further into himself and feel he has spiritual justification for so doing.

Though the family does not fully agree with dad’s spiritual activities, they should let him have his head.

Even if he displays a certain amount of neglect and irresponsibility towards the family, it is well to let him go as far as he likes in helping other alcoholics.

One more suggestion: Whether the family has spiritual convictions or not, they may do well to examine the principles by which the alcoholic member is trying to live.

Thus mother, through no fault of her own, became accustomed to wearing the family trousers.

This means trouble, unless the family watches for these tendencies in each other and comes to a friendly agreement about them.

The family may feel they hold a mortgage on dad, so big that no equity should be left for outsiders.

At the very beginning, the couple ought to frankly face the fact that each will have to yield here and there if the family is going to play an effective part in the new life.

Though the family has no religious connections, they may wish to make contact with or take membership in a religious body.

He and his family can be a bright spot in such congregations.

each family play together or separately, as much as their circumstances warrant.

Whether the family goes on a spiritual basis or not, the alcoholic member has to if he would recover.

But what about his responsibilities—his family and the men who would die because they would not know how to get well, ah—yes, those other alcoholics?

Why, he argued, should he lose the remainder of his business, only to bring still more suffering to his family by foolishly admitting his plight to people from whom he made his livelihood?

They experienced a few distressing failures, but in those cases they made an effort to bring the man’s family into a spiritual way of living, thus relieving much worry and suffering.

wife would leave elated by the thought of what they could now do for some stricken acquaintance and his family.

Cleaning up old scrapes, helping to settle family differences, explaining the disinherited son to his irate parents, lending money and securing jobs for each other, when justified—these are everyday occurrences.